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Habits Of Wild Patrons
April 27, 2004 - 12:19 a.m.

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I don't understand kids.

Let me amend that...I don't understand groups of kids. It's herd mentality. They lose all rational function when in herds. Take, for instance, the group of middle-school girls leaning against the freight elevator doors...

"Excuse me, if you could just step away from the elevator door, please. If it opened you'd get hit on the head by that bar."

Blink. Blink.

"Please step away from the elevator...could you stop leaning on the door? You might get hit on the head by a steel beam."

Blink. Stare vacantly. Blink. Chew gum.

"Could you just stop leaning on the door?"

Shuffle feet Blink.

"Excuse me! Hello? TAKE A STEP FORWARD! Yes, you. Just stop. If you could...please. You're leaning. On the door...the door, you see. It...it. Ah, forget it. Get killed. Fine."


The only thing worse is Hat Man.

"Sir, could you please remove your hat?"

Cold stare.
"My...hat?"

"Yes, sir."

"You want me to remove my...hat?"

"Please."

"Why?"

"Out of respect for the nature of this exhibit, we're asking that people not wear hats."

Aggressive Stare.
"I have to take off my...hat?"

You'd think I'd asked him to remove his penis.

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