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Walkin' For Love In All The Wrong Places
February 25, 2005 - 5:36 p.m.

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Here's me, thanking God that I didn't end up like this poor shmuck. I replaced his name just because I feel sorry for him...

Lovestruck Yank Walks to Manitoba, Gets Frostbite

WINNIPEG�An American man is recovering from severe frostbite in a Manitoba hospital after trying to walk from North Dakota to Winnipeg in an attempt to meet his internet sweetheart.

"I wasn't aware of what the weather conditions would be," said the Los Angeles resident. "It was a lot worse than I thought."

The self-employed mechanic lost his way after setting out from Pembina, N.D., last Saturday with plans to sneak across the Canadian border to Winnipeg. A 1984 conviction for robbery meant [the man] couldn't legally enter the country. He planned to then board a bus to Quebec and meet the woman he says gave him the will to live two years ago after they met in a chat room for people suffering from depression.

Before setting out from Pembina, he bought boots, toques [for my American readers, a toque is a winter hat], a parka, two sets of gloves, thermal socks, a compass, trail mix and water.

But his supplies soon ran out. He began eating snow but found it only made him more thirsty and hungry. His progress was slow because he didn't realize how deep the snow would be.

[The man] was rescued on Wednesday morning by an alert RCMP officer who followed a trail of footprints on a golf course just outside Emerson, Man.

"When I found him, he was babbling and incoherent," said Cpl. Don McKenna of the Emerson RCMP. "His hands were black and frozen solid. He didn't know who he was or where he was."

The lovestruck American had covered only about seven kilometres in nearly 100 hours.

This is even worse than the "Americans show up at the border with skis on the roof...in July" story. (Though Canadian author Will Ferguson insists that the skis story is fiction, certain Canadians of my acquaintance claim first-hand knowledge of similar instances...as a border-straddler, I'm staying out of this one.) The worst part is that he only made it 7 kilometres, which is less than 4.5 miles. That's LA for you. They don't do snow and they don't do walking.

Of course, the real absurdity lies in the fact that he tried walking into Manitoba in the first place. He could easily have loaded up a boat full of cigarettes and crossed the St. Lawrence right into Quebec.

Speaking of borders, a note regarding international diplomacy...

Prime Minister Paul Martin has just indicated that Canada will not be participating in the U.S. missile defence shield, a.k.a. Star Wars. The move has Washington scratching its head. Says outgoing U.S. Ambassador Paul Cellucci, "We don't get it."

As a Yank living in Canada, I have to agree. The Bush administration doesn't get it. They can't understand why Canucks object to armed missiles flying about over the country, or why Canada would want to avoid association with a project that has "boondoggle" written all over it.

Not that their confusion is a surprise. I cannot imagine a president less likely to understand Canada than George W. Bush. I doubt that he'll ever understand this country. I doubt that he's even trying.

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