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Donut Holes
March 01, 2005 - 11:21 a.m.

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Just once. Just once I would like to walk in to a Toronto Tim Horton's, place and order, and be understood.

One might assume that language is the problem here. It is true that behind every Timmy's counter in the Big Smoke stands a veritable U.N. of Hortonettes, all speaking different languages. But that's not the problem...Toronto is like that and we all manage to go about our business just fine.

The issue, from what I can tell, is that these poor individuals are given an ugly brown shirt, 10 minutes of training, and are then abandoned to their own devices. None of them ever seems to know about the products served at the store in which they work. Real Life Examples...

Hortoneer: May I help you?

Me: Yeah, I'd like a butter tart and a small coffee.

Hortoneer: Coffee and donut?

Me: Butter tart.

Hortoneer: Donut?

Me: No, not a donut. A butter tart.

Hortoneer: Doh...nut?

Me: Butter tart. Butt-er TART!

Hortoneer: You want a donut.

Me: Come here to the bakery case. I'll just point.

Hortoneer: Oh. What sort of tea did you want?

That is nearly verbatim. The conversation happened a couple months ago, but it's seared into my memory. Or perhaps this...

Hortonian: Can I help you?

Me: Yes, I'd like the ceramic mug and coffee set.

Hortonian: Travel mug? (pointing to a pyramid of sippy cups for the on-the-go set)

Me: No, the ceramic mug, the anniversary special.

Hortonian: You want a Big Tim? (referring to the washtub sized refillable plastic mug for those who drink a full pot of coffee in one sitting)

Me: No, it's the anniversary set. The mug with the packet of coffee. The ceramic 40th anniversary mug!

Hortonian: You want a small coffee to go?

Me: AAAAUUUGH! Look! Here! (walking over to a large sign which features the 40th anniversary ceramic mug and coffee packet) THIS! I. WANT. THIS!

Hortonian: Why didn't you say so?

O.K., so I added that snide comment. She didn't say that, but she was thinking it. Today was little better. To set this up, Tim Horton's always has a "Donut of the Month." It's like the Cheeses of the World collector plates, only you eat them. Last month was sort of a crap donut, so I was looking forward to the changeover.

Hortonista: Over here! Can I help you?

Me: Hi, what's your donut of the month?

Hortonista: It's 80 cents.

Me: Yes, but what is it?

Hortonista: All of these, (gesturing to donut rack) these are donuts. You can have any one of them.

Me: (realizing that she now thinks I'm thick) No, I mean what's the donut for this month?

Hortonista: Yes, these are donuts. Those are muffins.

Me: (seething) No, no. Forget it. Maple dip. One maple dip donut.

I'd be tempted to think it was just me, except Amy has had similar difficulties trying to order a baguette. ("Doh...nut?" "Baguette!")

I really get the impression that these aren't Tim Horton's employees. They're just the poor shmucks who got there first this morning, and they were pressed into service by desperate managers.

Really, Mr. Horton's, train your workers a bit better. Less emphasis on speed and more on accuracy...or even on knowing what the heck you're selling. That'd be nice.

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